still telling people....

i'm still informing people of mom's death, people i haven't seen in a long time - i've gone back to my previous neurologist after a year at IU's neurology lab and the first thing he asked when he walked in the door was "where's your mom?" yeah, i guess we really were quite a pair. i had a cry after that, and it was over.

it happened again yesterday, when i went for some blood tests - teresa at the lab has been there forever...i haven't done blood tests for some time, so when i got there, she asked where mom was. "she passed away in november," i told her - i was able to talk about it without breaking down, which i felt somewhat good about.

i know mom wouldn't want me crying at every mention of her, but sometimes it just gets so damned overwhelming.

"Can't wait to tell Mom about this one..."

problem is, i can't tell her - at least not in a face-to-face way, like i want to do. it just doesn't seem real that she's gone - 57 is far too young.

alas, i'm muddling through, day by day, one step at a time...wish i had that magical remote control that could >>FFWD>> through some of this crap...

mommaries everywhere

the memories of mom are abundant - from the time i wake up, when my eyeballs are squeaking ("lori, quit doing that!!!) and all throughout the day. things are so surreal right now, it just seems like i'm off on a little vacation at my cousin's - i know it'll become more real when i go to the funeral home today, but....i just don't have the words.

Linda Christine Gravelie Southerland died yesterday, Saturday November 26 at 6:50 am, after a battle with cancer.

there aren't words to describe my feelings right now.

Fruit Salad

One of the must-haves at holiday dinners and other family get-togethers has been mom's fruit salad recipe. i suppose i'll have to get it written out on a recipe card - i may even try my hand at it and take it to whatever thanksgiving dinner i end up going to...

ingredients:
dream whip, prepared as directed on package
canned Tropical Fruit Salad, drained (it's a combo of pineapple, white guava, and red and yellow papaya chunks)
fresh red delicious apple, cubed
fresh banana, sliced
miniature marshmallows
nuts are optional (i think it's walnuts she uses)

mix up all the ingredients in the larger white Pyrex Cinderella Mixing Bowl (the Early American pattern) cover with Saran wrap and take to dinner!

The Favorite Patient

Mom's the favorite patient of nurses everywhere - the nurses on the cancer ward gave her a present when she left the hospital, and told her how wonderful she was! how often does something like that happen? and she's getting more of that attention now in the nursing home - "Sunday night at the Manor" as i heard it described by an aide in the hallway. most of the time, things are pretty quiet where momma's living now - however, there are a couple of patients that can become rather impatient and loud when they're not attended to right away. "Let me out! Now! Get me out of here!" one guy shouted - it reminded me of what my Aunt Joan told me about when her husband Roy had to spend time in a nursing home: he told her she was sending him to Alcatraz. Far from it - yes, it's true that it's not "home", but everyone i've seen at mom's nursing home has gotten very good care. the nurses that attended to mom tonight said they wished all their patients were as wonderful as she is - ahhh, the joys of having a low-maintenance momma. ;-)

People pleaser

i guess she's where i learned it from - we're both people pleasers, to a fault. don't mind me, i'm fine, don't worry about me. problem is, she's lying in that bed, grimacing in pain and there's not a damned thing i can do about it. we hit the call light for the nurse, and when she comes in mom tells her she's fine now, nothing's bothering her. dammit, i know that's not the truth, but she'd rather not be a bother even if it's the JOB of these people to do things for her to ease her pain.

her right side is useless - i suppose that's because tumors are on the left side of her brain? she can't move her arm, her hand, her leg, her foot - no matter how much she tries. she tells me it's the weirdest sensation, to be trying to move and it just won't happen.

Christmas presents

Going through the newspaper today, i see in an ad with something that Mom's bought for Adam as a Christmas present and stowed away - sheesh, a couple of months ago we were sooo naive, not knowing a thing about this cancer crap and just assuming that Christmas would be same as always. amazing the things we take for granted...

Mother's Hands

my aunt Sherry came over to the house today to help me in sorting out bills and getting things taken care of - afterwards, we went (with her granddaughter Jessica in tow) to see Mom at the nursing home. one thing Sherry had noticed during her last visit was how much my Mom's hands resembled the hands of their mother. "Mother's hands" she exclaimed - not exactly sure what she sees in them, but it was remarkable enough to her that she noticed one hand was swollen when we went to see her today.

Mommaries

Mommaries = Momma + Memories.

Linda Christine Gravelie Southerland is my mother, and she's a wonderful, incredible woman. On Tuesday, September 12, 2005 at 2AM, she was diagnosed as having cancer. Further testing revealed that she had lung cancer and it had metastasized to her brain, as well as possibly spreading to her liver and spine. A trip to the doctor because of a recurring headache is what led us to the cancer diagnosis - i was completely floored. Mom's 57, she quit smoking shortly before her 50th birthday - i thought that if you quit smoking *POOF!* you wouldn't get cancer. Wrong.

But i don't want to dwell on the bad news - i want to use this weblog to record the experiences we're going through right now, as well as treasured memories and anything else that comes up...